When someone with stank ass breath talks to you really close
don’t hurt BEES. they just want to pollinate flowers and make honey. hurt WASP’s. fuck them and their old money, big mansions, and country clubs
how do you get a nice body without moving
so there’s a pigeon i used to pass by in my old neighborhood all the time and he was really fat because people would just toss him food and literally he sat in the middle of the sidewalk and people would just step over him, he wouldn’t even flinch. seriously you could sit down next to him and just feed him and he would be chill.
he was there every day and all us locals would affectionately refer to him as ‘lard-ass’
LOOK AT THE LITTLE OCTOPUS LOOK AT HIS BULGY EYES AND THE TINY TENTACLES DON’T YOU JUST WANT TO PUT A LITTLE LEASH ON HIM AND TAKE HIM FOR A WALK IN A PUDDLE
This is what happens when you try to eat beef jerky in a dog daycare
That awkward moment when you can’t draw a good face to match your eyes
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this was everything i expected and more
people who are in their 20 or 30s complaining about ‘kids these days’ is super funny to me, like i saw someone complaining about how kids at some pool were playing marco polo but with ‘hashtag’ ‘yolo’ and if that’s not funny to you then what the hell sucked the joy out of your life
This isn’t even his final form.
Fun shark attack facts:
- In 1996, toilets injured 43,000 Americans a year. Sharks injured 13.
- In 1996, 2,600 Americans were injured by room fresheners. Sharks injured 13.
- In 1996, buckets and pails injured almost 11,000 Americans. Sharks injured 13.
- For every human killed by a shark, humans kill approximately two million sharks.
- Humans are assholes.
- Sharks are not assholes.
- Apparently everyone in 1996 lived in a real-life infomercial.
do you ever get so disgusted with yourself, like you can not believe how stupid and thoughtless you are and it’s so frustrating because you keep telling yourself that you’ll do better next time but then next time rolls around and the same thing keeps happening and you end up in this pattern of mediocrity.